disclaimer: the folling post has been labelled M18

LOVE

love is an intense emotional attachment to someone or something

love, what does love means to u? me being an emotional species in this world does not help the fact at all... i am so emotionally attached to just about everything... spiritually wise, how i wish i was attached but rather, worldy wise i am too attached for my own good... look, if this world did not have an absolute truth or an absolute standard, i gues i would be one of the happiest guy living here... i mean whe i look at myself, there is no denying that both sides of mi are so "successful", put that down to my human relationships... i mean forgive mi for being abit egoistic but i have so many frenz around mi from both sides of my camp and i am sure not that unlikable, so why am i still suffering here? rattling about all these rubbish here? i should be out there having fun and not here drowning my sorrows... y?

i love being out with my frenz till late night chatting, chilling

vs

i love being out with my frenz with a guitar singing and playing

i love going to different houses for thrills and excitment

vs

i love going to different house for life and heart matters

both are so good, which shld i choose? someone tell mi, show mi the way... tell mi stories of those who have done it b4 mi and let mi see that it is possible to change, i have seen too mani ppl outside tt have failed time and time again to do the right thing and i have been one of them... what's so wrong? i sometimes will ask... what's so bad? i will even argue... but deep down inside mi i know the answer but am i just too used to it? repent and u will be forgiven, am i taking this for granted? am i taking my frenz love for mi for granted?

what one of my brothers said was right.. the harsh fact is tt, if i ever leave either side one fine day, the group of frenz from either side wont lose much, what they lose is onli mi... i dun make that much of a difference do i? dun be surprised when i say this... look back and think of the ppl that have gone missing from ur life for whatever reasons it may be... how have u survived without them? for a short period of time u think u might not be able to handle it, u feel like dying and u feel like ur world is crumbling without them... after some period of time, u would very much certainly stand up and face the world, telling everyone tt u are alright now and that u can face whatever challenges that come ur way... so back to my point, who loses out the most? itz nne other then the person who leaves the group... he loses the frenz, the relationships, the fun times, the care and concern, the friendship and much much more then u can think of...

so why am i STILL on the verge of such a drastic decision? perhaps itz because it wasn't a correct decision for mi to go along with my group of frenz in the first place... maybe life like that was not meant to be my kind of life in the first place... maybe i was not suppossed to be in the group in the first place... maybe they accepted mi just because i am pitifull and not because of my human relations? maybe maybe maybe, there is just so much possibilities... can i cont to live out the life that i am suppose to live out?

can i continue to be who i am, even after i leave my u? can i not think back and say i regretted my decision to leave u? what will happen to mi after i leave u and have no one so dear and close to mi? what will happen to u? u know i cant bear to leave u in the lurch and as a matter of fact it is only recently that i have been colder towards u beacuse of other commitments? u know i cant bear to see u cry or even shed a tear? u know my soft spot so well and u always make use of it... i hate u fir that... when i was "so call" at my downest u came and picked mi up and i just couldn't help it... what would have happened if u had not appeared then? what would have happened? no one knows...

nobody knows mi, nobody cares the way that i am.
nobody sees mi, nobody understands the way that i feel.
nobody feels my heart deep within,
and truely accepts mi for who i am.
nobody knows, nobody knows...