sorrie seems to be the hardest words...

sigh what else can i say??? i have got everything i want but i still dun seem to be able to get my life back on track... dun feel like doing the right things at all... after so many reasonings, so many discussions, so many motivations and encouragements, what have i done in the right step? a small little step at a time romember? ya but i cant even take a tiny ant step at all!!! it feels so fustrating and now i am even feeling kind of glad that i am doing duty on sunday... can it be i dun wanna face the people that i am afraid i have let done because of my actions? i dun wanna answer the questions that they will post to mi? i dun wanna put up a smiling face all the time and feel tired about it again when i get home? sigh i really dun understand... i dun feel like doing anything at all...

you... i wanna see u smile again but I AM SO TRAPPED IN THE MIDDLE!!! i hate myself for this you know? drew msg mi and told mi everything u told him... dun whack him kkz, he was having u in his mind when he told mi everything... i felt so guilty and so sad and i dunno what to say anymore... i hung up on him, can u believe it? yes i hung up on him!!! first time ever since the day i met him... all this because of u, i dunno how to answer his questions too... my frenz told mi that it will get sometime to get used to but this is much much tougher then i had imagined it to be... i thought the first time was bad, but now itz much worse... i feel like my heart torn into two, failing myself, failing everybody... i didn't want to go tru this trust mi... actually we didn;t even had to go tru this but y? i'm sorry for dragging u into all of this too... i will do anything to make u smile again, i'm so sorry... now that i know ur compromise that day was onli to please mi and make mi happi, i am not a little happy at all... it made mi more guilty then ever... looks like our problem iznt solved at all, the root is still there, the bond is still there... i still cant let go and u still cant either... i am not sure of so mani things, i am not certain of the future now... it seems so bleek and so misty and whatever... i dunno what u are thinking or doing even but drew gave mi an idea of how hurt u are... i'm sorry if i caused pain and guilt to u... i am too in pain but with nobody to physically be here for mi... nobody, nobody at all... at least u still have drew and them... so dun complain le okz... for mi? dun worry about mi... just let mi rot alone with all of the memories and cry myself dry... u go be happy with drew and company... i'll go alone to relieve the memories and inflict the pain of guilt to myself...

all i'm left with for u is sorry, but sorry seems to be the hardest words to say out of my mouth right now...