祷告 pray

祷告
Pray
因为我渺小
For I am minute
祷告
Pray
因为我知道我须要 明了
For I know that I'm in need To know
你心意对我重要
That Your desire matters more to me
祷告
Pray
已假装不了
I can't feign otherwise
祷告
Pray
因为你的爱我须要 你关怀
For it is Your love that I need your care
我走过的你都明白
The paths I've treaded You understand them all
有些事我只想要对你说
There are some things that I would rather confide in You alone
因你比任何人都爱我
For You love me more than anyone else could
痛苦从眼中流下
Should tears of pain flow from my eyes
我知道你为我擦I know You will wipe them away
在早晨我也要来对你说
In the morning I will also come to you and say
主耶稣今天我为你活
Lord Jesus I will live for You today
所须要的力量你天天赐给我
The strength that I need You grant me daily
你恩典够我用
Your grace is sufficient for me

i reallie wish i could believe in the lyric of the song... but sometimes, te more i sing it, the more i feel tt nobody understands mi...why? iznt God there promising that He understands?

ytd went for prayer meeting, actually reallie didn;t wanted to but oh well...was reallie encouraged by brothers and sisters encouraging mi and asking and caring... but still, i felt someting is lacking... what? what is it that is lacking? i reallie dunno... somehow, the smiles didn;t come from within mi when it mattered the most... gosh... this is reallie so hard...

oh Lord, help mi...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5hwJL5fCvY&feature=related

i reallie wanna believe... the song reflects my heart... itz not the first time i cried when listening to the song... few songs can make mi cry while i sing them but this is one of them... i reallie wish i knew how to change...

.....

this is what my father received tru the phone...

**sobbing cries**
"pa!!! help mi!!! i'm being beaten up!!! i need money, they are extorting mi!!!"

"where are you?"

i'm at work la!!! where do u think i am?"

my father then hanged up...

i cant believe touts are resolving to such methoeds to con money off ppl... wake up ur freaking idea... itz my father u are calling!!!

.....

friday night went out for supper with church ppl... ya, i didn;t feel very well but still went dow cause wh wanted to tok... seriously i am very graateful to have a brother like him... the tok was well, ok but i felt tt i needed a rest... went to chathay to have supper, bens and jerrys... they had a life band there, it onli makes mi think of what i used to do lolx... den went for midnight movie with ty, vincent and jing ming... deathrace... NICE... better then the previous one, a must watch if u life action movie, for me la... den we went to have more soyabean, we had one round before the movie, and went home(ty's house) at around 0345 haha.. slept at around 0500 in the morning... was great... had lunch with his familyand did try to have a good chat with vincent but everyone was just too tired and i had a great day installed for mi anywayz... met up with RJT for the first time in dunno how mani months, hahaa... city hall, we went to rafflees city's shokudo for dinner, not sodoku ok haha... itz like marche incase u dunno... the food was well, nice but a bit overpriced as usual... well, what to do haha... den we made our way in the pouring rain to the floating platform... why? cause qiqi got us tickets to the Singapore festival fireworks haha... =D arnt u jealous ppl? lolx.. thans qiqi=DDDDD the rain did dampem our spirits abit but the fireworks(from the korean team this time) was absolutly fantastic... they even had the theme song from da chang jin to accompany for one part if the display haha... how fitting.. the fireworks were so close that i almost tot it would burn us lol.. like a kid sitting there, i reallie felt contented then... all my worries xeems to have disappeared... reallie wished time could have just stopped... so that somethings can dyn happen, while others can last... sunday went back for duty in camp... seriously speaking, i made myself be there... couldn;t face something in my mind... the choice... i am still running away i guess... received msgs tt reallie touched my soft spot... i think it all depends on mi now...sigh... army sux...

.....

i am totally lost and confused by every single one out there... everyone is telling mi the same thing, itz all for urown good... and then what do i do? nothing... how wonderful... nobody's blaming nobody for what happened... in fact, nobody cares, i guess... i'm like a total freak myself now... nobody knows what i am thinking even... aint tt great? like how would anyone know? not when they have not been tru what i've been tru b4... like hey, u say u understand, do u reallie?!?!? i'm not self blaming or self accusing... i hate to see my frenz worried for mi... and i dun want them to be... but i cant do anything to help it... why am i landed in such a situation?? fate? what has fate done to mi? why am i so down and out suddenly... like not long ago i tried to pick up and now again... yet again... i find myself in such a situation... i reallie make things diffucult myself right? ya... i know itz all my fault... i shouldn't have done some things, made some decisions in the first place... what for is there to regret right now? i used to lead a double life and i was tired of it... yes i am still tired of it... but what can i do about it? my decision to not lead a doublelife has been reallie furtile... just like mi leading my one man army trying to take down the evil doers' castle... sure lose... wait and them to attack and then defend u say... but how can u fight against the surge of armies upon armies that come upon u and swollow anything up with itz temptation and ethics? how would u understand when this enemy has not conquered u b4? no u wouldn't... i keep wanting to give up but i know i cant... but knowing is one thing, not giving up is another... i'm trying to not let anyone worry... but the more i do that, the more they worry about mi... how funny... not that i dun wan anyone to care but i just reallie dun want to trouble anyone... itz not nice when they each hve their own problems to handle already and i have to be here to trouble them to take up my burden too... somehow i think guilt has creeped upon mi and i cant let it down... neither can i let go alot of other things... the strive to become the person whom i once was, WHERE ARE U?!?!?!?!?!?!

.....

and one more... "what would truly have happened vs what we imagine could have happened"...

i know, i know, i totally know what u are toking abt.. but does it helps? these few days i've been receiving alot of encouraging messages from alot of ppl... ppl who have been reallie caring, wanting to care about mi.. i guess i'm just being selfish again? sigh... true, things could have turne out so much more differently, for both sides, in both ways, two total different worlds, two totally different cases, two totally extreme senarios... itz scary, it reallie is... in actual fact, i had a chance to turn back but somehow, the train went past mi again w/o mi on it... yet again some ppl told mi, and yet again there're ppl here telling mi to stop chasing the train and forget about the next train... why? so much trouble... maybe i should just go kill myself, that would settle it all wont it? the ''root of all the problems'' would have been eliminated and so will all the problems... i'm reallie tired of fighting... is backing out realie my onli true workable option left? it reallie seems so, more and more likely... but somehow i am still not backing out, why i ask myself, i cant give a reason too... something is holding mi back, something unexplainable, something strong... the thread is breaking lose, i reallie have not much time left... to make a decision in such a short time is always what i dont like, and again i may just be left alone on the platform missing the train again as it slows down to wait for mi... i realliie wish ppl on the train will stop and reach out but it seems impossible whent he train ios going at such a speed and there are so mani distractions on board the train... dun understand what i am toking about? it doesn;t reallie matter... i guess it wont matter in the end...

.........

i failed again... looks like u are reallie the onli person who can understand mi well... i didn't even call or msg u how on earth did u know i wasn't feeling ok? sigh... yet again, and again, and again i am struggling... for what i dunno... for who i dun wish to acknoledge... am i running away yet again? i dun think i can deny... but what's the point in all this revalations placed b4 mi? itz not like i can do anything abt it, itz more like i dun wanna do anything about it... i'm still tryin to make out and think of a reason for why on earth did u ever appear in my already shitty life, not like i need any help in making it more complicated then it already has... why on earth would i? not that it will do mi any good right? i'm very stressed up and tight because of u... wondering alot of why why whys but no answer, no conclusion... again itz a case of emotion vs logical, right vs wrong, suppossed to vs want to... what's wrong with my past life i sometimes ask myself... not like i hurt anyone did i? did i hurt u?, no, in fact i onli hurt u when i ''left''... so why did i wanna change? i once said to u as a promise, the day i stop loving u will be the day i close my eyes, forever... maybe itz gg to come true soon, i dunno... or maybe i'll break my promise... i dunno... maybe, maybe, maybe, so many possibilities again and yet no answer... what does the future holds for us? happiness if we're together? i dunno... so what if we're not together? it doesn't mean anything does it? u told mi u're with ys didn't u? or izt just another hoax to test my reactions? so mani things i keep wondering but still, yet no answer... sometimes i feel like i've already have my wings of love broken, and daren't love again... itz almost like u're gg to be the last person i truely ever love... itz reallie not just a mistake tt i did in the past, how i wish tt it reallie was onli a mistake... if life were a computer, it'll be good, at least i can just go to the history section and deleten off everything, and everything will start afresh, or do a system reboot... but no! itz not tt simple... i always live by a ''simple'' rule, nv live to regret ur actions... is tt rule of mine going to be broken, again? i reallie dun wish for it... itz already broken 4 times, and yes that includes ur case... my decision is hanging on a thread now... u reallie make things swing in ur way, but things aren't reallie tt simple now... itz not just about going back or not... if onli it was that simple! i wont be typing all my shit thoughts out on the computer already...

.....

stagnant, hanging on a thread, refusing to budge an inch...

that just sums up my spiritual and mental life right now...

encouragement from brother-in-christ

''oh alright, its reallie hard to stop doing things tat our emotion reallie enjoy. guess at times our old self keep poping out and tells us to enjoy ourselves and forget abt honouring and following our Lord. but struggling is a good start as it shows tat we still are not willing to listen to our sinful side. in the end is how we keep close to God and ask him 4 ample strebgth...''

thanks bro, it really encouraged mi alot..

reincarnation...

sometimes i reallie wish tt i believe in reincarnation...

den i would come back as u and leave mi the hell alone...

watch urself jayson...

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

ur not helping urself at all Jayson!!!

06 Aug 2008, 2240pm...

u told mi it wouldn't work de... u saw my blog... y am i doing this, letting myself go tru all this shit instead of going back to u? i guess u're right, i still haven gotten over u yet... i guess... just not... yet...

success and happiness

success is about getting what u want

happiness is likeing what u get

jayson is neither successful nor happy

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

brrr... itz cold in here...

sigh... no one to warm mi up...

all alone in the winter...

again...