失败阿！失败！

东西全部扔掉吧！不要再留下来了！
留下来就是说你还没有完全把事情放在后面！
着一种sms早就应该删除了吧！

为何如今的我还那么的倔强？
那么容易就受到影响？
几年前就应该学习的功课，还是还没学到！
失败阿！失败！

有人对我说：
凯恩！我相信你一定可以的！
不需要一次过忘掉一切，
慢慢一步一步来。
我真的可以吗？

也不知道接下来的路要怎么走，
就只好一步一步，边走边看了。
总觉得会有不好的东西发生，
我又猜中了。

星期天，五月二十五号，
你的sms让我忽然不知所措！
你也太令人讨厌了吧！
正当我在和朋友们一起吃饭时，
时间也未免太巧了吧！

我想我也是应该快乐的不是吗？
是什么事情能使你发出那么样的sms？
难道是他不成？
或真是他的话，我也不稀奇！
就让我默默地承受我错误选择的代价吧！

家庭营能否让我在找回自己呢？
我们拭目以待吧！

私は過去に戻りたいと思う

私は過去に戻りたいと思う

同じ再度間違えないように

時間が過去に再び行くことができれば

私は私がもう繰り返さない間違いをできることを望む

すべての不信を抱く人との地獄に

すべての不信を抱く人との地獄に

2 weeks, last 2 weeks...

JAYSON LOH KAI EN 我只给您另外2个星期... 以后请不再做情感的动物le...

我是应该高兴得不是吗？

我是应该高兴得不是吗？收到你的sms我的心又乱了。。。我真是傻。。。早就应该放弃的，我还死不放手。。。伤心也是活该。。。只能怪自己了。。。

sat fellowship... =D

was toking with ailing abt the fellowship gatherings on sats... anyone got suggestions or feedbacks can tell mi ok? lolx... We're gg to have revival... gel up all the YAs in CYYAM!!! =D was thinking of a breaktru, like doing other things nv done b4, make it more interesting... thought of things like ice skating, rollerblading, paintballs, laser guns, wake boarding, canoeing, lots more... birthday celebrations... =D i just love them... =D oh well, someone is looking at mi blog now and i am in immense pressure to type out my blog so i think ishould stop here... =D kkz cant wait till tml... =D

things to do...

things to do...

stop being so selfish

stop being so emotional

stop being so self-centered

stop being so naive

stop being so stupid

stop being so irritating

stop being so initiating

stop being so pessimistic

stop being so melancholic

stop being a jerk

stop being a bastard

选择

有好多的话语想要对你说，却又不知道从那里开始说起。。。你有过这样子的感觉过吗？当和你在msn聊天时，也不晓得要怎么样把我所在的情景让你了解。。。虽然你也是我觉得唯一能够了解我的心情的人，但也难免知道你最终做出了‘不对的选择’。。。 但是如果我不找你我又能够找谁呢？又有谁能够了解我所体会过的一切？我真的很想做出决定，但又害怕伤害到别人。。。我现在才了解你上一次的决定是多么的难做出。。。我也已经真的不想在两边跑了。。。好了就这么决定了。。。你会支持我的选择吗？

对不起

向对我所有所伤害过的人说一声对不起。。。
请原谅我的无知，我的傻理傻气。。。
请原谅我的自私，我的愚蠢。。。
我会尽我所能够的改过。。。
但需要大家的支持。。。
关心与忍耐。。。

自我催眠

我真的想要学会自我催眠

催眠后就不知道什么是痛苦

催眠后就不知道什么是寂寞

催眠后就不知道什么是对，什么是错

我真的想要学会自我催眠

催眠后就没有烦恼

催眠后就没有悲伤

催眠后就没有记忆，没有眼泪

我真的想要学会自我催眠

催眠后就不用做选择

催眠后就不用想后果

催眠后就不用向人交代，不用管别人怎么想

不用怕做出的选择会伤害到别人

这样子我才可以做回真正的我

这样子我才可以对得起我自己

这样子我才可以活出我要过的生活

真的事这样子吗？

accept the things tt u cant change...

was toking to someone on the net ytd before i fell asleep with regards to choices, albiet the wrong person... my stand seems to be shifting everytime i tok to someome... he questioned if i can reallie change or not, if not, why not just accept the fact that i am who i am... accept the things tt u cannot change he told mi... so what now jayson, he said, we're all facing the same problem, the same trouble, the same questions everyday... the same fear, the same life, the same the same troubles, i am not alone he said... there's so mani other ppl like mi he said, and i know it too... why be different? he asked mi... why change something tt u are so comfortable with, so used to, so you? he asked... so what now jayson?

i didn't reply, i went offline... sleep... it was 1830 hours...

2044, i received a msg... i got a promise from someone, i cried myself to sleep thinking of the future...

i replied and chatted tru sms... it was 2054...

2130, i received a msg... dun think i dunno u are trying to run away... u can run away from ppl but u can nv run away from urself... from who u are, where u belong...

i didn't reply, i went to sleep... it was 2132 hours...

2224, i received another msg... hello... how're you feeling now? did you have a good rest just now?

i didn't reply, i went to sleep... it was 2225 hours...

感性的动物

生为一个感性的动物真是不好受。。。

我太容易被周遭的事情而影响我的心情。。。

让我想起以前所发生的事情。。。

对不起我今天所影响到的人。。。

我真的不是故意的。。。

我又哭了

是的。。。 我又哭了。。。今天是为了几件事情儿掉了泪。。。

经过了九个月之后，我终于看到了我努力后的成果。看着你有说有笑的，我也不知情的感到很安慰。。。心里面会有一个我终于可以放心的感觉了。。。 希望你会继续这样子。。。看见你也能够很轻松的和大家一起聊天讲话我也已很满足了。。。加油吧！

你能够把别人的心放在你自己前面真是了不起。。。当我和你犯下了一样的错误时，你还可以那么样的帮助我真是令我感到佩服。。。不过我还是为你的选择感到遗憾。。。还是要谢谢你给我的一切帮助。。。回头是岸，我的兄弟。。。我很想让你知道，我今天又为你大哭了一场。。。

wordy wordy post... =D

itz sat night... and it feels like sunday night... in fact it feels like hols now... i'm right in the middle of my 5 days hol... how happie.. dunno if i go back can change back mentality or not lolx... toked to alot of ppl for the past days, be it long or short, it is always an experience... =D

frday morning met uncle james for breakfast... 0930... talked abt some ministry stuff, de toked to him abt my personal problem... and i didn;t expect that i will tok to him for so loooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg... haha... 6 hours of chatting, ok albiet the eating anf other stuff but was reallie a great time... saw things tt i didn't saw, got things sorted out... just so mani... itz always good to tok to someone experience i guess... like my dateline to meet him was actually before the end of march.. den ended up i dragged until like ytd, so i was like uh huh.. tt proves how much doubt i have in God ectually... like how much i think other ppl can help mi... and it actually goes to show how much faith in myself tt i have tt i can actually change.. how true to some extend but i nv actuallt gave myself a chance... so well, i raeallie thank God for the time of toking to him... thought itz reallie like going to be RA21 to put it in words here, as in i dun think it is good to put it up on blog la l0lx... just thank God lo and tt i have made some decisions and tt it will benifit everybody...

den met up with weien after tt... a case of double dose? no la... actually just chill lo... cause sat morning i met him again.. yes.,.. =D like he has to make some decisions tt will affact the both of us also so ended up like there was a moment of silence for a while... =D o la... nothing confirmed yet so well, i'll treasure thye times tt we spend together... =D but WEIEN!!! I HAVE A HUNCH ON WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

then had a short chat with jx sat night.. reallie thank God that she had smade some decisions tt will be of benifit to herself... =D gload tt she finally made the choice too... =D so happy for her... actually highlighted the importance of support group too.. =D i guess itz always good for everyone to have a support group... like i can reallie experience the importance of it and all la.. testify... =D

yupz... sorry that my posts have all been very wordy recxently, someone actually complained.. lolx... but iotz just tt i have so many things to tell so mani ppl and would like to share my life to... hope u all dun mind.. =D i'll try pics the nexrt time... =D

yes i am iron man...

ok today was fun... =D watched iron man, my own much anticipated movie... u know how cool izt to see ur marvel hero come to live?? i was like WOW WOW WOW when the suit and everything appeared... lolx... for a while i acted like a small kid who just received a lollipopfrom his teacher... =D i give it a 4.5 out of 5 starrs... =D NICE..........................................................................

after that zy came and well, he like nv change at all lo haha... had dinner and alot of rubbish chatting, oh the joy of fellowship... =D oh well, good things have to end and we went home... nv did i thought i would see zw... haha... destined... didn;t have the time to chat with him, nor the environment to do tt too... but tml i am having a chat of my own... =D ............................................

hols=D

today was finally a good day.. mdm didn't come... sir didn't call... so i slacked the whole day lolx...

went to teach little brandon today... haiz... his mother told mi a sad story of his past... sigh... i am so worried abt him now.. like there reallie not much i can do for him being nonli his tuition teacher... his mum said tt i should go tok to his form teacher... i was like okkz... so i'm like his parents now... the truth is i want to but i dunno if i should... like i am doing too much... dunno la.. see how God leads... =D

anyway today signifies the start of my 5 days hols... =D i shall be happie... but i'm not... today suddenly i just felt lonely... tired and missing someone... dunno for what reason also... feel like there's something missing... maybe itz just mi... sigh... dunno la... everything so luan... haiz...

had a good chat on promises with one of my church sisters.. *not onli guys break promises ok, though i've been ''cheated'' by both... well, lucky didn;t get into arguement, instead had alot of common points... =D

the day was bad... morning when mdm came, she scolded perpetually everyone... from the door to the chair to mi... sigh... think she is the one that has problem... haiz... like crazy like tt... sometimes she is god other times she can just be a beach... in the end i got scolded for the things that i have done, i got scolded for the things that i didn't do, i got scolded for the things that i wasn't supposed to do... and the list goes on... moods can be so frightening... no wonder when i didn't have enough control of my moods the last time, i was a terror to be with too... now i can understand... the the scary thing is that after a few hours she would be so nice to u... like u dunno if it is a trap or not... like suddenly she will just jump and eat u up... u know that feeling?? i also dunno how to explain la... just ok lo... haiz... like my upper study once told mi, just nod ur head in agreement to everything they say, even if they are treating u worse then a dog, in which they do most of the time... and who says there are no worries or stress if u are not working in a combat side of the army??

oh today zy coming back le... =D those who can go must go okkz... =D i'm just so sad... i cant go haiz,... would love to see him again... =D itz like a gazillion years since he left us lo... lolx... and he is going for church camp how wonderful... =D

today is my last day at work for this week le and the mdm nv come today so i hope that it will be a wonderful day ahead... of course have to go to sleep first den wake yup again at 545 la lolx... haiz.... the troubles of gg to army... have to wake up so early somemore... lolx... itz almost like studying... oh no no no... itz worse then studying... eh.. ya...

aiya... just hope tt evertything will pass away faster... then will not have so much worries le... maybe even more when go into the working world but oh well, what has to come has to come.... so toking to uj on friday would be one of them and facing the consequences will be the other one... but enjoying fellowship would also have to come...

cool post sent by ye...

Pillars or boats???


Houses or audiences???


Backward or forward?


Who is the tallest?


A face? Or, the word 'liar' ?




NEXT:
What do you see here?
Do you see the word "LIFT"?
Or, a bunch of black splotches ?

GIRLS ARE ABLE TO SPOT THE WORD "LIFT" EASILY.
MEN FIND IT DIFFICULT TO SEE THE WORD "LIFT"!!!

AMD I, JAYSON, SAW THE WORD ''LIFT'' EASILY!!!

THE LAST ONE: FOCUS ON THE DOT!


enjoy... =D

thank you God... =D

weekends are splendid... being in army has onli made mi treasure them even more and more... fellowship, no closest feeling to heaven... =D

wanna thank God for the fellowship time on sat... had a wonderful time singing k with xl ye mf lk jj px ty and vincent... yes vincent and px came and joined us for the first time, ya ty too la first time... =D was so happie... i have been waiting for the day, as in the k session, for very long le... but the ulterior motive was to get vincent to know my church mates better and more... he sure enjoyed himself... =D good gracious... =D though i reached home at 12 plus and got scolded and nagged at again, it was all worth it... my prayer for long have been answered... that he was finally willing to open up himself to more ppl... then xl jj vincent and mi met for breakfast on sunday morning and xl mum's store... had a good time too...=D rushed back for service and then to far east and back to xl's house... vincent couldn;t join us as he had to go back home to pack for army, booking in, very sad... he was sad too.. and now, i have loads of ppl supporting the fact that he and justin chan look very much alike... =D i'm reallie just very happie for all that happened la... =D friday night actually had a good talk with him and thus, i think it reallie paid off lo.. =D i cant stop smiling just thinking.. =D forgive mi for smiling too much... i'm a happie boi... =D

at xl's house actually wanted to watch the movie fast fast den go home erly de but then in the end we finished watch the movie and den even had dinner there... actually wanted to say no cause paisae casue mothers day ma lolx... den end up haha... she force the dinner down our throats lolx.. not so violent la but something like that... she just cook alot alot lo lolx.. ya then watched warlords, ok i know itz a old movie, lolx but still itz nice, now i know why the movie got so mani awards and jet li got the best actor after so long years of acting... =D

movie was actually a timly reminder too... like how the promise was broken and how keeping a promise is so hard... i'll nv ever break a promise again, i remember myself saying... but still i failed... sigh... why do humans love to break promises? or even in the first place make promises that they cant keep?

anyway once again itz monday le.. like how am i going to survive this week? luckily for mi itz going to be a three days week.. =D good thing... hopefully i wont get sick as i feel my throat is quite sore le, think not enough sleep...

wednesday zy finally coming back for good le... =D reallie reallie miss him... =D sigh...

friday meeting uj and wen... =D hope will have a fruitful time... much much anticipation and much much worries... fears... oh well... what has to be done, has to be done... what has to come, eventually has to come....

heart of worship

was inspired... happen to come by a song, heart of worship... then told of why the song was written... below, adapted from what someone else told mi... very touched...

its a brilliant song, but do you knwo the real reason why he wrote this song?

he wrote this song as a confession. I had a worship workshop what not to do in worship. He was rebuked by his church elders because his fame was getting to his head, he wanted to spend the worship budget on a new drum set. They rebuked him, took away the budget and the church instruments. They were only allowed to use personal instruments. He had started to make the music about him being famous. And as you can see in the lyrics, listen to the lyrics,"Its all about you Jesus, I'm sorry for the thing I've made it." I never really understood this song completely until that moment.

how true it is... may i be more like him and Him...

call girl...

no no no... itz not the topic u are thinking it is... itz just that i received an weird number call ytd night... and WOW! it was a lady whom i dunno... like how on earth did this lady got my number? like hello, i dun even remember hearing ur name... den i found out the truth... itz from Cheena... like thanks, overseas call... promoting something from Cheena... wasting my phone bills? OVERSEAS CALL!!! from someone i dunno? like HEY CAN U ALREADY FREAKING STOP YULPING AND HANG UP? ... ... dun understand all these weird companies... but i was so mad that i found ways to actually make them not call mi again, not that they will, or rather to put it correctly, to irritate them...

101 ways to irritate the telemarketer...

surprise them instead

-oh sandy! izt reallie you? oh i am glad u called, i was so sad when i lost ur contact!

(this will probably give sandy sometime to think where on earth did she met u...)

be persistant

-com'on bill... i know itz u... itz ur voice i can recognise it... so how's it been for u?

(keep insisting that itz ur fren bill trying to pull a prank on u...)

if they ask u to sign up for some laon thingy...

-oh sure!!!=D i could do with some money u know, in fact i just filed for bankruptcy ya i think u can help... so how much money do i get??

lolx.... this post is so random la lolx... aiya... but pls... dun try all these if itz overseas call... ur bill will explode lolx...

tired...

dead tired today... had to goh home rest, couldn' join anyone for anything haiz... like even the genesis lesson, i know it was interesting, but still very tired and could not concentrate for long periods of time... will be sleeping once i finish this blog... sianz...

tml still got parade, must reach the freaking camp by 0630... haiz... reallie brain dead la... cant think of anything le... sorry guys... =( gg to sleep le...

random post..

haven blogged for a long time le... at least for mi it seems like a long time ba... ppl ask mi how i can keep on blogging non stop... i always say itz not just abt bloging... posts may seem random and so on but ultimately, itz just my life, my thoughts, mi... haven had someone/something who would listen to mi and nv complain for so long le, ok not very long but still, i'm am just enjoying every moment of writing to my blog... it never complains... =D

sat in camp is always so sianz... at least i have something to do this time... met ailing ytd and was challenged to something which actually truthfully speaking, i knew it was coming sooner or later... but she said something that actually struck mi...

''CYYAM have given u so muich, iznt it about time u gave back something?''
or something like tt la...

ok to say tt i totally nv give back is totally wrong as i know it myself and think it shows... *at least tt's what i think la... but to say i nv give back enough is what i will agree with, no denial... of course there are alot of holdin backs... no doubt time will be the major concern and factor... being in army, time is always not under ur own control... personal problem is another major factor... being STILL not able to control my emotions well, i am reallie doubtful of my own ability to handle something so big scale... so after analysing, i still think tt itz a 50/50... still undecided... haiz...

and well, God did tok to mi, tru people of course... but i am still holding back... perhaps i need more time to think and pray abt it... no doubt i need more time... itz not like something i can rush tru it... oh well, all this thinking makes mi hungry... think i need to go take dinner..

oh man... just saw the dinner... cannot make it... haiz.. think suan le ba... just eat the night snacks will do lolx... sigh... army... CMI CMI CMI!!! and everyone is enjoying themselves playing badminton now haiz... and here i am... just lugged 15 person's ration back all by myself... haiz... sickening... welfare and care for soilders?? i dun think so man...

just got wind tt the operation is going to end on may 15 for our side, which is soon.. =D but oh well, still have duty clerks to do haiz... sadded... 7 plus more months... haiz... freak... cant stand army life... got news tt a few of my frenz going in soon le... one of them, july 9th!!! one day b4 my b'day, how sad... haiz... cant celebrate with him le... haha tt was so random... =D

wondering abt life after army suddenly.. seems like everything is so bleak... lie i have not even decided what to do after army... haiz... future undecided and all, it reallie sucks to have this feeling... not like i am the best and smartest person around... and in singapore, u wont survive unless u are a genius... what freak... how?? so mani things i wanna do but always something holding mi back... always some issues to solve and all... cant stand it... forget it... must start to lok out for courses and al le...

may day!!!

today was fun... actually started from wednesday night.. after giving tuition to my cute little boi, i went to hong's house... reached there alreadi like 11 plus den went to get my dinner, MACs haha... then watched lao shi jia lao da... super jack neo type of film la... typical but ok lorz... haha... 3/5 ba i guess... then watched the america's idol live... David was good as usual haha... the young guys, forgot how old he is le but younger then mi lolx... the rest so so la... ok i am bias lolx... then watched the chel vs pool match... ended up in disaster... ok i am bias again lolx... but oh well, had the feeling that pool was going to lose but still didn;t expect it to end up this way, 2 goals in extra time... haiz... so now chel and man u chasing for double glory this season...

morning woke up late, then went to meet cch for breakfast but ended up met everyone for breakfast at MACs... had a time of captain's ball, then singspiration.... was a different feel, singing at the beach, though not the first time but still because of the adults, got different feel.. then we played a bit of taboo... lolx... so mani words fiana and vinc forgot to put in lolox... anyway.. then played captain's ball again... ok la.. except that a few people dominated the game lolx... ya then had fellowship lunch, fried rice lolx... nice, just abit fry lolx... ya... ended up didn;t go for cycling lehz haiz... then went to parkway to shop abit... then ended up got pangsei AGAIN... no dinner.,.. so nvm lo... anyway everyone tired le so can understand lolx... knocked out after i got home lolx.. but throughly enjoyed myself... =D

tml going to fight battle again... rush work... dunno if still can go for the tuition ministry or not lolx... hopefully can settle everything in the first part of the day den ok le lolx... =D gambate ne jayson kun