...

how do u let go of something so long so unforgettable so nice so painful so comfortable so dependable so habitual so soothing so cute so high so fun so interesting so wild so lovely so likable so special so unique so good so kind so caring so perfect... itz so hard to let go and i am already feeling the effects not even 24 hours after dedicating my life back... msg after msg miss calls after miss calls... izt so hard to let go? the hardest part of moving on and starting a new life may be just that, letting go...

ending of a start and starting of a new beginning... thank you Lord, heartfelt...

what more can i say but thank you Lord? u are just too kind to us humans who are weak little nothings... ur grace, mercy, compassion is comparable to none... ytd's thanksgiving day was the best u have ever let mi gone to... though we were busy helping out and all, i still managed to set myself in mood in time for the last ceremony... i made a decision that i hope i will not regret and i hope i will follow... rededication of my life to u, i will start from scratch on how to be jayson, a person that u want mi to be...

allow mi to keep my name and the chain as a last token of my dreaded past... i want to remember it not just as a mistake but hopefully in the near future, a learning experience that u so generously gave mi that not everyone could have experienced... it was tiring and dangerous, i am so glad tt nothing happened to mi in the end... so much so much could have happened but through each and everytime of advanture u brought mi tru unscathed... there was to be temptations everytime, who said there wasn't... i falled to it so many times but i thank you tt itz not deep enough for mi to not return... i get so super annoyed with myself after each and every advanture but cant help feeling so good during the course of events...

u let mi have brothers and sisters who have been by my side ever since they know what's going on with mi and somehing's wrong... accepting mi for who i really am... u know that though it is impossible for mi to open up to everyone who wants to know what's wrong with this poor emo boi, but u let that still pray for mi nonetheless and let mi have enough comfort to know tt... u let mi have people who are willing to sit down for hours and let mi rattle none stop and cry even in front of them... i have learnt to be true to my feelings and true to ppl... thank you for letting mi see tt there is no point being all so jolly but feeling empty all inside of mi...

thank you for providing mi with the chance to serve even when i am not ok... in fact it was the very reason that made mi stay, fear of letting down ppl once i got the job...

thank you for not giving up on mi, giving mi another chance to go back to u...

thank you for yesterday, letting mi be alone to sort out my thoughts, crying out for my own sinful nature and den rededicating myself to u, it is an experience tt i will never forget...

thank you for all the "coincidental" things tt happened, tt led mi to realise which path i should be taking, people answering to my calls at super odd hours to hear mi vent my fustrations while they should be sleeping comfortably in their bed...

thank you for giving mi the chance to start all over again... i will learn to treasure and protect what i have... let mi start from the beginning if it is ecessary Lord, let mi learn from the basics...

God will make a way
when there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for mi

He will be my guide
darw mi closely to His side
with love and strength for each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

Lord i have been thorough wilderness and valleys of the dark and deep already, thank you for letting mi see light at the end of the road... but this end of the road means a beginning of another... thank you Lord...

reasons and explainations... =D

some people asked why did i decide to change and i think i have already answered some of the questions liaoz ba... anyway God has really been speaking to mi tru many people, many things that happen, many unexpected ways, surprising, amazing, scary, interesting whatever... i decided to touch my bible, which was starting to gather a bit of dust, and just flipped randomly to the new testimony... guess what i saw? parable of the lost sheep... decided that it was too much of a coincidence so i went to read the hebrews commentary instead and started from where i stopped... the title was why was "why should we listen to Jesus"... haiz... in the end just went back to sleep w/o reading anything...

then went for dispatch in the next day morning... LOST MY CAMP PASS!!! oh my gosh that stupid thing with my stupid picture will cost mi 50 bucks u noe... then in the end i went back trace the whole route of where i walked in a unfamiliar ground and finally found it after half an hour... really thank God i guess... i made mi realise just how anxious one would be to lose something important to him... i was really madly elated when i found it, guess God was saying something to mi then, i realise but choose not to respond, till night time when wen told mi the story of the lost son, thanx, it reallie helped... and so the rest is history...

thanx for all those who have been encouraging mi

thanx to all those who have been praying for mi

thanx to all those who have been caring for mi

i reallie have nothing for u people out there but my sincery thanx... =D

random pics, enjoy...

random pics of the camp, a bit late though, sorry itz not in order of time date whatsoever...

MCs for talent time
my DM the ah beng
4 wonder judges
oh WH... how unglam

one and only speaker
mixed expression of faces towards east coast...
splitted banana?
Ulfred, what's with that look...
mad rush for tofu...

oh my gosh yan heng...
JY, enjoying?
first camp for baby leah...
expert panal of judges...

obviously enjoying her food there...

oh this was the sunday b4 the camp last min meeting...
monday night dinner...
monday night last last last minute meeting..
tuesday morning breakfast, where else haha...
registration finally...

three man invisible log team, u can see their togetherness there... hehe...
camp com plus sound man...
da he zhao...
fierce looking clay zone, with ailing niang niang...
comical looking dew zone... as usual...

he xun's group... so big!!!
xl's group, moves were passed down from their master, dr. chong
olivia's group, oh the gals are taller then the guys!!!
jia en's group, happy family...

this camp reallie made mi go tru, understand alot... i reallie dunno what else to say... If wen is right that God has been waiting patiently for this idiotic prodigal son to come back, den pls lay a msg for Him for mi that that idiot is on his way... he doesn't need a celebration or a welcome party, just some people to support him and show him the way, just some people to guide him back home, just some people to teach him the way to handle the things that u have given him and not splurge it all away... just some people...

thanks to whoever is going to relay this msg to Him...

love or hate u guys, i know u want the best for mi... thanx...

i hate all of u people out there giving mi all the presents and cards... i hate u all for caring so much for mi!!! it makes mi feel so useless and not living up to all the expectations that u people are so call setting for mi... most of the cards that i have read so far left mi speechless and made mi cry... i know what i should do and roughly how i should go about doing it... but so far i cant... i hate ty and wen... why gimmi such a disc that i relate so well with? yesh u guessed right , i am listening to the songs as i blog this very moment... i dun understand why things happen to mi, like to him but i can feel that he is experiencing joy in his life right now... oh how i wish i can be like him... but i cant... why? why? why? i hate yr and zl... the cover of the cd case already made mi know what's coming... oh did anyone tell u all that my mum wanted to call mi Paul in the first place? the bookmark??? thanx alot... it made me feel so much guilter... i dunno what to say to u all... thanx??? ya i know u all are trying to help mi alright? i never doubted ur sincerity and i wished that i can really repay u people somehow... i dunno what i can do for u but i hope i can do something, at least something that will make u all happie...

hey... i received ur present... i reallie reallie thank u for it too... sent by mail must have cost u quite alot but i dun think u even mind abit ba... not my point anyway... can i throw it away? it will onli cause mi memories if i keep it but whatever, i hope it will be the last present i receive from u... i know that u will have a hard time too just like mi but promise mi u will be strong? just like when other people go out of ur life, u will think u cannot make it for a tiime being, but after a while u will stand up on ur own again le... dun fret u still have them.... yes u know who am i referring to... u know what? i bet u will be happier with them... i hope so... dun think about mi le la... u will be stronger without mi... u can do it de... i promise i will certainly meet u again someday kkz... when i am stronger, when i am more clear of myself, when i know who i really am, when i see my future directions...
thanx for all the times u have had with mi... i thank you for ur love, care concern... i know it was all sincere, same for mine... i thank you for letting mi see the world, so different from what i knew it was, so complicated, so exciting, so dangerous... thanx for letting mi play a part in your life, i reallie hope that i could have done so much more then what i have onli did... i know we both haven had enough but come and think of it, when will it ever be enough? i rather we both face the hard fact and truth now then look back at our lives and regret later... i really haven regret my actions, words or feelings to u at all... in fact i feel sorry that i haven really expressed much to u, always being passive... whatever it is, i hope u cum to understand that my decision is really what i hope a final one and one that reallie has the best interests for both of us... u may be shocked at the sudden decision, but i have really been struggling with this decision for very long le... i know that once i made a choice, i may have to face drastic consequences that i will never face if i stayed with u but nonetheless, forgive mi for being selfish if u want to say so but i think itz time we stopped... i thank God for putting u in my life for a season and a reason... from now on, i will embark on the journey of trying to understand why God put u here in my life... i know that our ties will not end here as with u know hu though he is in the states now, but i promise u that it will be a brand new relationship, different form what we used to experience... u may not believe, i find it hard to see that happening to but i really hope that it will happen... gimmi a chance again after i re-organise my life ok?




some random post to some random ppl... see if u can make out urself...

to u who jus decided to start a new life, congrats in making that decision... i know u been tru much too... living a life that u dun wan... but look at u now, u have solved ur problems le... so enjoy ur new lease of life ba... thank you for being such a listening ear to mi and counsellor at times, u have kind of inspired mi to work hard, or maybe harder on my own problems too... hope that u will still be there for mi...

to u who have recently started to pick up, i must say i'm thankful for ur frankness at times, be true to urself, understand y u make certain decisions... and really hope that things will improve for u ya? things have been hard for u but jia you...

to u who have always been there for mi, i think God for u really... know that u have ur commitments, so many ppl to meet yet u still choose to help mi, replying my messages with so much thought, i can see tt really... hpe tt i really am not bothering u...

to u have may just have seen an open road from God very recently, i know that times have been hard for u but now u see the silver lining behind the dark clouds? i bet u have learnt alot alot from all these experiences le ba... continue to jia you and keep faith, dun lose hope and keep smiling... thanx for praying for mi too... love that bookmark, stop making mi cry...

to u who have always been there for mi since God knows when, i think i have been real selfish to you, genuinely apologise for that... u have time and time allowed mi to enter ur life to help u out with the problems u have but i have not done the same... i'm sorrie... not living up to ur expectations perhaps? forgive this poor boi ok?

itz better to look ahead and prepare then to look back and regret...

机会

独自一人坐在宁静的角落

回忆起往事常刺痛我心头

有谁能够真正的明白了解我

不是我愿意一错再错

已是很久很久以前的过错

为何至今人人还在躲避我

处处遭人白眼处处遭人拒绝

请你相信我 这种滋味并不好受

不是我不想改过 任是岁月空蹉跎

是否有人肯给我机会重新再来过

不是我不想改过 只是自己太软弱

所以需要你伸出援手扶持着

并解开我 心门的枷锁

trust mi, i can really relate to this song very much*esp those highlighted*, those who understand will understand those who dun and wanna understand just try to ba, u could try to ask but i dun promise answers... pray for mi ba... i can see the tough journey back home... itz long, itz narrow, itz hard to walk... but in front i see u people, jia you jayson...

i'm sorrie... i cried for u again... i broke down because of u... i hate u... i wanna live my life without u and u are making it so hard for mi... STOP messaging mi... STOP appearing in my mind... memories of u are alreadie hard to deal with what's more the present bombardment of appearences that u make... i beg u i beg u i beg u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry...

so your christmas eve was lonely, and so it was partly my fault... so what? u think i care? yes i do... can i do anything about it? i think i can... will i do anything about it? i dunno... what can i do to not hurt u anymore and not hurt my frenz??? tell mi!!! if i can do that, i would gladly... but the truth? i dun think there is such a solution... and so u are choosen as the person whom i am going to hurt so unwillingly... u were there when i did this the first time, u knew all about us and u were not afraid that this would happen to u... so y the regret of letting go now??? i hate it when people go back on their words... yes but i did go back on my words on u too... sorry is all i have for u... it's all i can give u...

u replied to my blog yes, the msg u sent mi yes i did receive... at this very moment that i am blogging this, i am suppossed to be meeting u... sorry... u, i know u are sitting there and waiting even though i sent u a msg saying i will not be going... u are emo just as i am... i know that u will cry, just as i am crying now... i'm sorry i wont be there... dun worry u still have the rest of the guys to accompany u if in the first place u did ask them... if not then there is nothing else i can say le... i really dun wish u hurt u anymore...

know tt by the time u read this blog, it will probably be in the early hours of the morning and u will probably smell of beer and stuff... nonetheless u will check out my blog and see what explaination i have for u this time... well, i dun think i need to explain to u anymore... itz been really hard on mi to live a double life and i really want to start my life afresh again... not starting it with u will be the first change that i'll make... i dunno how, but i hope i can... i hope u will finally come to understand one day too...

u can curse and swear all u wan i hope tt my heart will nv waver again... u can cry all u wan, all i will do is to cry with u on the other side of Singapore... u can drink all u want, i will drown ur sorrows with u in my own house... u can complain to ur frenz, our frenz, and i will complain to mine too... u can lie on ur bed and wishing that i was there with u and u can be sure that i am doing the same everynight... u can be emo with all the gifts and presents that i gave u and i can tell u i am still using the ones that u gave mi, the band of significant representation is still being hang on my phone... the ring remember? our first remembrence? yes i am still wearing it... i have not forgotten u, dun think i will ever, i just think itz time to move on...

i'm sorrie to spoil ur christmas eve night and now ur christmas night... but understand that my nights were lonely too, i spent them crying for u... alot of our memories flashed through my mind so much that i broke down, not know what i'll do without u... i have been too dependent on u for too long a period of time, i shouldn't have done so but now i feel lost without u supporting mi... i long for a shoulder to cry on, to sleep on but now all i have left is one miserable pillow... what am i to do? i am forced, i am forced by a supernatural being to leave u...

i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry...

why?

GIVE UP

to totally let go of something or someone totally

i'm controversial... i said that i will never write for u again but i still did... izt a sign of things to come? i dunno, i certainly dun hope so.. or do i?
i'm confused, i really am... u make mi so irritated and i dunno what to do about u... i hate u... i want u to forget mi too... or do i not?
i'm sad... sad because i dunno how to reply ur sms when u text mi... sad because i know what u are toking about and i too agree with what u say sometimes...
i'm angry... angry cause u are not listening to what i am wanting to tell u... u want things ur way, u make things so complicated... why cant things be simple? like b4?
i'm tired... tired of telling u the same things over and over again... tired of telling u my rational and my thinkings.... tired of thinking of u but just cant stop it...
i'm irritated... irritated because u just cant seem to go out of my life, my mind, my thinking... cause u will always be there, have a place in my heart...
i'm regretting... regretting the decision i made to let go of u cause itz causing mi so much pain and agony... cause i think i just cant let go of u... simply cause i still miss u... cause i need u to support mi emotionally and be there for mi...
i'm afraid... cause i dunno what will happen to u after i leave... i dunno how have u been the past weeks... i dunno how have u been surviving and all... maybe u are better off without mi? maybe not...

i dunno what are my feeling anymore... i think itz abt time i take things mind over heart... i have been following my heart for too long periods of time le... i wanna change!!! but deep down i dun... i dunno how to change... i need help... i need another form of emotional support besides u... i hate life... i hate making decisions, especially ones that i am afraid i'll regret...






read the msg below, just for u...
hey.. i didn't totally ignore u ok... i replied to all ur msg... just the last one i really dunno how to reply... u siad u know i have made it clear... den why else are u still so persistant... go get a dictionary and find out the meaning of giving up... i beg u!!! u feel so near yet so far... i never expected myself to be celebrating christmas in such moods... i know i destroyed ur plans for our christmas... i'm sorrie, but that's all i'll say... for now...
i hate u, for bringing mi to a world so different, so complicated, so mysterious, so exciting, so complex, so dark, so dangerous, so nice... u now what? i miss u too... i really do...

pre christmas...

sunday went service in the morning as usual...
same thing happenes everytime...
went block-e...
saw quite alot of familiar faces and people...
went back church did the vedio for the camp after glow...
looking forward to it...
add alot alot of comments..
ended up having pot luck in church instead of changi beach...
became very bloated...
nice hokkien mee and french toast... =)
went changi airport to ton the night...
tok alot of crap...
continue to do the vedio thingy with ziling...
shared a super big cup of hot choc and highness lasted for a while...
had honey stars too... =)
completed the video finally...
went dao yi house sleep...
skipped breakfast and lunch...
had lunchner at 4 plus...
went out with vincent to get some stuff...
tok to him quite a fair bit, jia you bro, think think think...
went home completed the rest of the cards... looks crappy to mi...
blogging now...
thinking later to things happening 24 hours ago...
going to blog again later...
emo emo emo...
going to cry later...

my last post for u...

one day past? no... not even twenty four hours after i posted my last recent blog, u called... was i surprised? oh no i am definetly not... i kind of expected it to happen being the person u are... in fact, i know the fact that it will happen bacause it has happened b4 with none other then u know hu... i was lazy to explain things to u and to tell u the truth, i really miss u... i know u also kind of expected things to end up this way but not so soon right? well, i guess time's up for us ba... i realised that our dreams, focus, aspiration, goals, motives, future, plannings and so on were all not going to be the same... so why did i took so long to want to leave u?

truthfully, i really dun want to leave u... i know that u know it too, i guess u know what was on my mind... my heart is in a very very confused state right now, please dun make it even worse ok? i will tok to u sometime i promise but will the outcome be favarouble to u? i guess it is all too early to say... u have given mi more then memories for sure i can tell u that... secretly meet up with u u say? i guess not for the time being ba... in the future maybe i will be open about meeting u... i really dunno how did things end up this way for us, but i guess we both knew from the beginning that it was abit impossible for us to last long...

this blog for u may well and truely be the last...

so much for everything, i guess itz goodbye...

will i be hurt? i guess time will heal everything, i hope...

i promise tt u will not be forgotten...

instead u will be kept deep down along with u know hu...

dun worry u stil got them...

itz mi who loses the most...

u dun wan mi to be hurt more? just let mi cry in pain and i will be alright...
i guess
i hope
i wish
i pray?
i'll try...

jux4u

yes i am referring to u... if there just anything i wanna say to u, it would be i'm sorry... i have sat, thought, considered, reconsidered and listed out my future directions and it has nothing to do with u... i just wanna start my life afresh and look back without saying any regrets...

jia you jayson, kai en...
be strong, cry if u must,
just pick urself up and GO!!!

disclaimer: the folling post has been labelled M18

LOVE

love is an intense emotional attachment to someone or something

love, what does love means to u? me being an emotional species in this world does not help the fact at all... i am so emotionally attached to just about everything... spiritually wise, how i wish i was attached but rather, worldy wise i am too attached for my own good... look, if this world did not have an absolute truth or an absolute standard, i gues i would be one of the happiest guy living here... i mean whe i look at myself, there is no denying that both sides of mi are so "successful", put that down to my human relationships... i mean forgive mi for being abit egoistic but i have so many frenz around mi from both sides of my camp and i am sure not that unlikable, so why am i still suffering here? rattling about all these rubbish here? i should be out there having fun and not here drowning my sorrows... y?

i love being out with my frenz till late night chatting, chilling

vs

i love being out with my frenz with a guitar singing and playing

i love going to different houses for thrills and excitment

vs

i love going to different house for life and heart matters

both are so good, which shld i choose? someone tell mi, show mi the way... tell mi stories of those who have done it b4 mi and let mi see that it is possible to change, i have seen too mani ppl outside tt have failed time and time again to do the right thing and i have been one of them... what's so wrong? i sometimes will ask... what's so bad? i will even argue... but deep down inside mi i know the answer but am i just too used to it? repent and u will be forgiven, am i taking this for granted? am i taking my frenz love for mi for granted?

what one of my brothers said was right.. the harsh fact is tt, if i ever leave either side one fine day, the group of frenz from either side wont lose much, what they lose is onli mi... i dun make that much of a difference do i? dun be surprised when i say this... look back and think of the ppl that have gone missing from ur life for whatever reasons it may be... how have u survived without them? for a short period of time u think u might not be able to handle it, u feel like dying and u feel like ur world is crumbling without them... after some period of time, u would very much certainly stand up and face the world, telling everyone tt u are alright now and that u can face whatever challenges that come ur way... so back to my point, who loses out the most? itz nne other then the person who leaves the group... he loses the frenz, the relationships, the fun times, the care and concern, the friendship and much much more then u can think of...

so why am i STILL on the verge of such a drastic decision? perhaps itz because it wasn't a correct decision for mi to go along with my group of frenz in the first place... maybe life like that was not meant to be my kind of life in the first place... maybe i was not suppossed to be in the group in the first place... maybe they accepted mi just because i am pitifull and not because of my human relations? maybe maybe maybe, there is just so much possibilities... can i cont to live out the life that i am suppose to live out?

can i continue to be who i am, even after i leave my u? can i not think back and say i regretted my decision to leave u? what will happen to mi after i leave u and have no one so dear and close to mi? what will happen to u? u know i cant bear to leave u in the lurch and as a matter of fact it is only recently that i have been colder towards u beacuse of other commitments? u know i cant bear to see u cry or even shed a tear? u know my soft spot so well and u always make use of it... i hate u fir that... when i was "so call" at my downest u came and picked mi up and i just couldn't help it... what would have happened if u had not appeared then? what would have happened? no one knows...

nobody knows mi, nobody cares the way that i am.
nobody sees mi, nobody understands the way that i feel.
nobody feels my heart deep within,
and truely accepts mi for who i am.
nobody knows, nobody knows...

4 u...

do u have any idea how much i cried for u?
do u have any idea how much pain u brought mi tru?
do u have any idea how much time i wasted on u?
do u have any idea how much suffering u brought mi tru?

i know that i have been the willing party,
i know that we were both real crazy.
now the future seems real hazy
and i don't know wat's in stored for mi...

do u know how hard it is to forget,
a person or something tt u tried so hard to get.
if itz really tt simple to let,
y in the first place did i not regret.

a promise i made to u, i did,
in the state of mind of a small kid.
whatever we were, whatever we did,
i just promise it will be kept, down deep.

i'm not crying, no i'm not,
i tried not to cry, itz hard to not.
water in my eyes, tears they are not,
emo boi i'm not, or so i just thought.

randomly composed by jayson, kai en

yes i did cry again, so what? i dun care what ppl thinks... look at my face, u think i care? try to tok to mi all u want, advice mi all can. will i change, do i have the ability, the corouge or even the strength, i don't know, i don't care...

Frogiveness

Forgiveness
what does it mean to u???

forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting to remember, but remembering to forget...

easy to say but difficult to do la... toking to some ppl has made mi realise alot of things... including the need for mi to forgive other ppl and other ppl forgiving mi...

mi to forgive other ppl...
forgiving ppl for mi has always i would say be a no problem thing, just let mi cool down for a ten twenty minutes and u will see mi with the person like we never quarreled b4... my temper may be short sometimes but i certainly have quite a big heart... but wat about things tt ppl done to u that has a forever lasting imprint in u tt wont ever go away? things not like someone taking away my sweet or someone borrowing my pencil w/o asking for permission... things tt had hurt me and i will never forget, things tt changed my lifestyle, changed the way i am and who i am? i dun think i can just treat it as it had never happened b4... things tt changed the way other ppl looks at u, things tt make u different from wat u used to be, izt all so easy to be forgotten, if not, den what more can i say abt forgiving the ppl who inflicted this change?

maybe it wasn't totally their fault, maybe itz just me... they didn't force mi to change, i accepted it myself, they didn't hurt mi, i accepted it myself, they didn'y make mi different from what i used to be, i choose tt way, they didn't put a gun on my head to make mi do anything tt i didn't want to, I WAS THE PERSON WHO CHANGED MYSELF WILLINGLY!!! so the person behind all these mess is? right, none other then mi... so who should i forgive? myself...

toking is easy, but how do u forgive urself when u created such a hoohaa and upset to the ppl around u? now i have hurt ppl unwillingly, i made them sad, worried, maybe even angry i don't know... worse off, some of them don't even know what is happening and they are praying for mi all the time... how can i forgive myself when i have done all these horrendous things?

other ppl to forgive mi...
for those tt know what has happened, they would surely say upfront tt they have forgiven mi and accepted mi but who on earth will know what is inside their heart or minds? can anyone even accept mi for who i have become after they know?

for those tt do not know what happen, they will surely want to know what has happened... but can they handle the impact of the whole situation if i really told them? will they treat mi differently for who or what i have become? will they still accept mi for who i am? will they will they will they... so many questions but no answer... will the answers be known to mi? i guess so if i really came out and tell them what happened... but the consequences will be unthinkable... what if the opposite of all i had thought happened? what if what if what if... the ultimate question, CAN THEY FORGIVE MI?

i guess i will never know ba...

breakthrough missions

OMG!!! they were back for the second time and my were they as good, if not beter then thelast time... thank God that they came again,apparently at the right time for mi too... theier testimonies are like WOW!!! ya anyway ok for those who noticed yes i did tear again duringn the whole thing... it was just so touching tt i could not help it.... ok those who think tt i am a cry boi, i can say tt i am not... just tt during this period of time for mi has been hard on mi and tt think i am gg tru a hard period of time in my life ba tt's y i will feel much more then i ever did...

anyway went shopping for christmas presents again and of course another excuse to buy stuff for myself.. bleahx... bought two new ties and one guitar pick and i really thinkk that they are super cool la haha... shall blog the photos very very soon kkz...

anyway to the brother who has the same problem with mi of everytime fang bu xia people, no itz not anyone in church so dun try to think of anyone, just wanna give u a word of encouragement also la.... u may or may not believe that there's a God governing over every single thing in this universe la but what i wanna say is that everything happens for a reason and that we will surely learn something from no matter what happens.... take the lesson and let's move on... staying in the same spot and walking in circles is not a good choice as i think both of us has found out so let's jia you together? lolx...

ya so anyway, shall just blog till now ba... see you guys, loking forward to my first duty in khatib camp!!! yea...

half a weekend, WEEKENDS!!!

fridays are always the days to look forward to man... itz like the onli thing that u can look forward to every week... well, had camp com meeting again ahha... the usual practice is back... well, why meeting after the camp? WE ARE HAVING A CAMP AFTER GLOW!!! yea... well, hope that this time it will be a success too haha... well, tao yat joined us, in his no. 4 haha, ok that's not the point... point is that he treated us to dinner, a way of celebrating him having ONLY one year left in army? lolx... thanx man... =) what did we have?

haha ok all these are not taken on the day otself lolx but trying my best to make u all jealous ok? lolx... ya so anyway did have a sinfully good time and well, the first meeting was not bad at all, we came out with almost everything la... so now is just the doing of everything lolx... HARD WORK!!!

ok so after that we went shopping haha, at popular bookstore la lolx... yesh u guessed correctly, for cards and gifts... and ended around 10 plus? until we heard the announcement for them to chase us out la lolx... well so anyway, everyone was like so tired after that so we just went home la, ty still slep]t over at my house so chionged cards till 4 p]lus, still managed to make finish one onli hahaz...

anyway sat morning i woke up at 0630, dun call mi crazy kkz, i have a purpose to fulfill lolx... going to send eddie off... that guy is so super tall la lolx... well, after passing the things to him, forty days prupose driven life, i went to parkway to meet wei hong. had breakfast and chatted, ok this time i did not dehydrate ok, partly because it was a public place so i kind of comtrolled la... ok that is not the main point but i am just glad that i got somethings out to him and ok la i kind of know what i should do now...

anyway was disrupted by cheng kun la lolx... meeting him and bert for lunch with wei hong so anyway, someone was late as usual la lolx... i shant say who... lolx... but we did have a good time la, going to the classic place and eating at ajisen hehe... thx bert for the not so considered treat haha... ya so in the end went walk a while at parkway la, tonnes of towels were ordered and i dun think the people can make it all in time la lolx... anyway, went ofr sandcastle building and oh man, it had to happen... RAIN!!! must it happen everytime we go there for event? lolx... well, i guess it has it good points also, at least johnson has nowhere to run too.. haha... aiya... but guess u guys had a great time la, was busy EMOing and back to myself, the high I again la after that... ya so went shopping again, oh man dun i get tired of it? well no i dun think so lolx... ya den met vincent and oh he finally promised mi to teach mi to play the sax and he will be loaning his to mi to learn la, how exciting... lolx... kk jux hope that i wont have complaining neighbours lolx...

oh anyway i went to topman the other last sunday with pei en wei en jia xin and saw this sweater that i wanted quite badly and wen took a not so bad picture of mi wearing it... lolx...

comments comments?? lolx... but i dun think i am going to buy from there la, ex lehz... think bugis has nicert colours and cheaper haha... kkz la... think i gtg sleep le, or else will have ppl say i look like zombie tml... oh ya tml gospel sunday!!! how exciting=) nitez...

IN HIS TIME

IN HIS TIME

IN HIS TIME
IN HIS TIME
HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL
IN HIS TIME

LORD PLEASE SHOW ME EVERYDAY
AS YOU'RE TEACHING ME YOUR WAY
THAT I'LL DO JUST WHAT YOU SAY
IN YOUR TIME

IN YOUR TIME
IN YOUR TIME
YOU MAKE ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL
IN YOUR TIME

LORD PLEASE SHOW ME EVERYDAY
AS YOU'RE TEACHING ME YOUR WAY
THAT I'LL DO JUST WHAT YOU SAY
IN YOUR TIME

Sigh... dunno why but this songs just keeps coming out in my head... a reminder from a guardian angel that God sent to me to remind me something ma? well, i guess so ba... but even so i think i am somehow ignoring it like not that i am purposely doing that, just that i cant seem to help but think that i really cant do it... sigh... letting me go tru all these things are like oh my gosh la.. cant seem to do anything right at the moment... aiya... anyway ion army camp now so itz like alot of things cannot do but somehow seem to be able to blog in army lolx... how? dun ask mi.. dunno why here got internet also lolx... guess i gtg la.. in case mdm come back ya? lunch time... :)

lost, hopeless, helpless, tired, WHATEVER!!!

Well, thanx to the people who actually took noticed of my revived blog and commented or sent mi msges... reallie reallie appreciate it la.. yup... anyway these few days in camp was tiring la... camp as in army camp... working w/o a real motive, just wanting to get by and away from army... well, guess that's what every guy goes tru... anyway one more yr left la... :}

what has army thought me so far? well, nown office politics and so on seen and been tru but haven discovered how to get away from them lolx... army has taught me to always watch my back and that anything can happen anytime at anywhere even when u least expect it... just no matter what, be prepared.

ppl ask me how have i been after i poured out my emotions? well, i have been trying to pick up and so on la but seems like it is qute difficult la... still struggling and trying to talk to God but my heart does not feel like it... want to pray to Him to tel him about all my cares and woes but my heart is hard and i have been stubborn... dun ask me why, i hate that question... izt a case of running away? i really have no idea... of rather i dun wanna answer the question...

i still have been dehydrating myself quite a far bit this week la but not as good as last week, someone told me that crying is good for me, well, i shall see... :) thanx to the person anyway... :) well, if it is really time for me to move on, can somebody ust gimmi a sign pls? i would really love to but seems like dunno where to begin with... feeling this sense of lost, helplessness, tiredness is not new to me at all but the pressure is more then what i used to feel... will someone pls show mi the way???

oh anyway there is still something for me to look forward to la so i suppose i will be ok for now at least... :)... till then, take care...

dehydrated

the past week was not excatly fantastic but it was amazing, fun and i got alot of experience from it. guess why my title is like that? ya ur right, i cried.

east coast on sunday night before going back to WH's house,
i cried.
moday when i me wen in ther aftenoon,
i cried.
monday night when all things started to settle down,
i cried.
tuesday night testimony
i teared.
wednesday night QT,
i cried.
thursday gospel sharing,
i cried.
thursday testimony,
i teared.
friday testimony sharing esp,
i teared.
saturday one whole day i had to myself,
i cried countless times.
sunday sermon, no thanx to uncle ZC,
i cried.

people who do not know me well may be surprised but i have always kind of been a very emotional person. it has been good and bad for me. relationships that i just cant bear to put down has been the major part of my downfall. but this has as well been the major reason for mi to cling on to what i have. be it for the correct reasons or not i think God has allowed me to stay, maybe just for the time being, and see what i can achieve if i do let go of the other part of me. Gos'd plan for me i still cant see yet but maybe he is trying to say something to me. his ways of working are unbelievable, those who know what i am saying should know. well, just pray that i will be willing to face up to whatever comes and will be i my way ba... thanks to those who read and prayed or responded...