fund raising... =D

oh my gosh, itz been one week le haha... had many many many things to do lehz lolx... paisae for not updating haha... i'm here to clean up my blog again haha... =D

well, this week has been busy with work in camp, loads of things to do.. sigh.. never knew that being a clerk can be so tough lehz lolx... well, anyway the SAF day thing is coming back again le so i think it will be more xiong le lolx... heard from last yr the seniors that the sir made them stay till almost 11pm everyday for about a month of the june time lehz lolx... how?? i dun wan to!!! lolx... hope that i can tahan ba... oh and i am intending to take leave for church camp this yr so pray that i can take leave for church camp this yr ba... =D

oh sat was so fun... =D 11am i reached church to prepare for the sunday's fund raising thing... we went to buy all our stuff, which ended up cost like more then 400 bucks, then went back to church for a duck rice lunch... =D then we all went to cut things and chop up all the carrots, potatoes, and whatever nots la... i was chopping the onions, which alot of people were feeling emo with mi, crying all the way haha...=D but our zone had to leave early and so we went to ailing's house for our zone reunion dinner =D

we had the self made popiah and steamboat for dinner... =D the popiah was so nice lo i tell u... especially wh one lolx... and ty one was like so big and giagantic lolx, more like a pataya... =D je one also not bad lehz haha... =D and hw had the secret recipe from aunty ruyi=D how to make a popiah=D photos not ready yet, will come up soon... =D

den our steam boat had tooo much food lo lolx... but the beef is veri nice... thx yq=D well, the salmon was the nicest lolx... my personal favourite lolx... =D well, we had a surplus of food in the end but dunno where it went also, haha... probably cch house ba lolx...

well, i just cant wait till sat onli la now lolx... hope that it wuill be just as fun, if not more funner... lolx...

pslams 23

hey itz been quite sometime since i posted le ba lolx... maybe only for mi itz quite sometime ba lolx... weekdays have been just as mundane ba lolx... so not much to update lo... but oh wells, roughly the same shit everytime la lolx... friday had the tuition ministry training, was late but glad that i didn't miss much... ty ye for buying my dinner... =D was interesting and fun la... ailing spent so much effort and i think it paid off... =D we really learnt ALOT!!! =D anyway after that went for ''dinner'' at JB and toked some stuff and enjoyed myself fully... =D

sat was suppossed to meet weien but end up he not feeling very well den i went to pack all my things at home... think still very 乱 now la lolx.. bleahxz... afternoon went to the worship practice and after that went out with vincent to shopping!!!=D has become my favourite sport of recent!!! OK dun scold mi yet i nv buy anything to add to my collection kkz lolx... i still very guai de lo haha... =D den went to ty's house to stay over AGAIN haha... had a good chat with vincent all the way from cityhall to orchard to bedok... jia you brother... =D

sunday went church early to set up the sound system and got a shock!!! no not that the whole sound system was gone but the old folks are having a song presentation!! argh!!! no one tell mi then sop last min but thanks to yq somehow itz settled... =D den i dropped something towards the end of the sermon and everyone looked back at mi lolx... and the speaker said some remarks and i was too embarrassed to realised that lolx... =D

anyway sat went to celebrate my parents birthday!!! 19th was mum's and 20th was dad's... so fun and we went AMK hub to eat a spread... oh man think i gained like 10 kg or something lo lolx... =D must 减肥liaoz haha... =D

oh well, here is something from my QT, which i recently picked up at...

ever imagined what would life be like without the Lord God our shepherd? our lives will be so different... and perhaprs the pslams 23 of our lives would tuyrn into something like this...

i am my own shepherd, i am always in need

i stumble from mall to mall and shrink to shrink, seeking relief but never finding it

i creep through the valley of the shadow of death and fall apart

i fear everything from pesticides to power lines, and i am starting to act like my parents

i godown to the weekly staff meeting and am surrounded by enemies

i go home and even my goldfish scowls at me

i anoint my headache with extra-strength Tylenol

surely misery and misfortune will follow me, and i will live in self-doubt for the rest of my lonely life...

do we really want our lives to be like that? God has promised us many things but not this version of pslams23... let's do things his way and not our own way... this has been and is a reminder to mi and i hope to share it with all who reads my blog so that it will be a reminder to u peepz out there too... =D

revival is out there, i can feel it... but first, it must start within... =D

travelling light...

today started on a book call travelling light, given to mi by cch, thank you!!! guess what the first chap is toking abt? well, giving up things in ur life that u are not suppossed to take up in the first place.... lolx... somethings are reallie not meant for us to take, esp if u want to help ppl, or help other ppl take up their luggages... how can u share grace when u are full of guilt? how can u offer comfort if u are disheartened? how can u life someone else's load when your arms are full of ur own? for the sake of those u love, travel light... for the sake of the God u serve, travle light... for the sake of ur own joy, travel light... i reallie thank cch for giving mi the book at such an appropriate timing... lolx... the author gave an example of the father seeing his 5 year old child trying to drag the family trunk off the carousel, what would he say? same thing that the Lord is telling us today, "set it down child, i'll carry that one..." so are we listening to His voice that has always been calling out to us?

i have been learning this lesson for the past dunno how long le... alot of things i choose not to give up and let God take comtrol.. not to let go when i could not even carry them along with mi, alot of things that are dragging mi down and weighing down my everyday life, mentally... i have not been giving up my emotions, feelings, relationships with certain ppl but i suppose itz high time to change all of that? decisions making are not simpple but i am glad i made this choice but weather i will see the results in one month, one week, one year or even longer that is not up to mi to decide... God has a great race for everyone to run, not onli mi... but are we willing to run it or not? for those who are in front of mi int he race, i will try to catch up with u guys... for those who are stilll behind, i pray earnestly that u will join the ppl already on the track and run this race with us... =D

any today in camp was my upper study's last working day le... tml he on off, thursday he one leave, friday he ORD lo.. haiz... sadded... makes mi think of the number of donkey days that i still have to go tru b4 finally it is my turn... haiz... but today morning just came in onli kana nag byt he cheif clerk le... cause wshe in bad mood den alot of things nv settle den she nag us... sob, how unfair... but in the end still quite ok la... but busy doing all the admendments for her lo lolx... thankfully after the morning break, she was back to her usual self again...

lunch today was special lolx... we ordered pizza de france haha... ehx correction, the three ppl who are going to ORD in january gave us a treat lolx... spent like over hundred on the pizzas and drinks lolx... thank you very much haha... though was still abit shortage of food in the end, we still went for ba ku teh in the cook house some of us, but it was nonetheless heartwarming as we seldom eat together with all the madams and sirs also haha... finally get to see a smile on everyone's face lolx... why ozt singaporeans find it so hard to smile... do u know that research shows that smiling makes ppl lok younger? haha.. and frowning meks u grow older faster lolx... ya so anyway. big thank you to u guys, glenn, eng hao and my dear sgt daniel... lolx...

ya so anyway, pray for mi, tml doing office duty clerk, so means cant go home le... must stay up late, whole night maybe, then must do all the shitty things for the sirs and madams... just pray that i will have a good testimony and not fall to any temptations... sianz that i cannot sleep in my own comfy bed but i'll bring the book ''travelling light'' to read and think tru things la=D just hope that i wont sleep lolx, cause i am not a very bookie person... =D ya... that's about it ba... gtg mop the floor le... old women nagging!!! hate her...

back to church... =D

first sunday back to church, was a nice feeling that i reallie cannot put into words... saw alot of things tt opened my eyes... some things seems different from before but the love is still there for all to see and feel... ppl are reallie picking up and starting to view things in a different way, a way tt is better for them, a way tt will do them more good then bad, a way tt will make people around them grow even more, feel more supported... i reallie pray tt something or someone in CYYAM will spark a revival and i believe it is happening already, i can sense tt... i reallie will pray for revival not onli in CYYAM but in the church too... =D

monday was a super day!!! haha... madam was not here, she was on leave... then the afternoon 95% of the ppl in my office went to take a test in another camp, so the camp was left under the care of literally us, the NSFs... haha... so we played game for the whole afternoon and surfed the net and slept and slcked basically lolx... but dunno what will happen tml? haha...

anyway today got 3 new enlistees from CMPB, direct enlistment pes E9L9 de haha... as in today was their first day of army la as in haha... hmmmz... THEIR ORD DATE IS 13 JANUARY 2010!!! lolx.. cant believe it man lolx... made mi think back to my first day in army... they were like so sad and so miserable... saw the fear in them that didn;t know what was in store for them for the next two years...

how many of us ever know what is in store for us for the next two years? maybe dun say two years, just next two months? two weeks? even two days? how many of us ever know what is instored? do we reallie trust that God's plan is the best for us? how many of us really trust that God reallie reallie knows what we want and what is best for us? i look back and i think, i reallie didn;t think that God knows mi better then i do... i thought that i knew better what to do and what i wanted but look how miserable i was the past year when i struck enlightenment... or rather somebody struck mi... and if we are reallie happy doing the wrong things it may be real true joy that we are experiencing, though i do admit that when doing the wrong thing, the short term joy and worldy love is nontheless pleasurable and enjoyable... but it doesn't last... how many of us have found true joy that will last for long? have reallie understood alot of things and saw things tru a different perspective and view point... pray for mi that i will press on with the decision that i have made... =D

shopping... weeweet!!!

woohoo... friday came and past lolx... so fun eh haha... actually also did nothing much la lolx... except that friday was the first day of the two months plus that i did work for the whole day lolx... there was so mani things to do i got so tired and slept during lunch hour haha... but happie that it is over anyway lolx...

sat much anticipated and so on lolx... morning went to bedok to pass certain people certain things and he was late for a certain amount of time... yesh u mr fung... haha... I WAITED FOR ONE HOURS PLUS OK!!! haha... carrying the stupid thing walking around bedok interchange trying to look busy den in the end settled for breakfast at Macs... lolx... had a super unhealthy hotcakes meal but since when was i eating healthily? haha... nvm... oh den u finally came lolx... ya den went church and had fun on the piano... had been quite some time since i touched the grand piano in the santuary le lolx... feels great... so think i expanded too much energy probably because of singing the song 机会 in F when the original was in like D or something lolx... is purposely de and i hit the high A ok? haha... so went to sleep onli to be woken up by yan heng to tell mi that i was suppossed to be in charge of the sound system in which i didn't know and didn't came to church for that purpose but oh well since i am here lolx...

ya so went bugis after everything and had dinner at the whatever restaurant and ate the super nice cheesy baked rice with chicken chop Hk style... haha... pricing also not bad la... quite highly recommended... lolx... esp the peanut butter and condensed milk dripped on the super thick and crispy toast... haha... jealous right? lolx... ya anyway went for the main purpose of going to bugis SHOPPING!!! haha... though i didn't get everything that i wanted onli got two but still quite happie la lolx...

haha my new bag... i got the white one and ty got the black one lolx... cool cool rabbiti... haha..

and this is my personal favourite lolx... my newest sweater haha...

hmmmz.. so spent quite alot?? haha ok la lolx... happie can le... anyway chinese new yr so spend lo got fantastic excuse ma lolx... kkz la... tml got srvice gotta go sleep soon le one of my new year resolutions right? haha... see if i can sleep now...

one...

two...

three...

okkz i slept le... haha... bb... siaoz... lolx...

Jayson's back, Jayson's back Jayson's back!!! woohoo!!!

this week was fantastically high emo all the way... sunday was the first sunday of the new year and i was sitting in camp, doing duty... sianz... was drewing circles all the way, doing nthing... okkz not excalty nothing la but chatting on msn the whole day, right up till 2 plus in the morning lolx... duty may not be a bad thing at all lehz... haha... but because of that duty and that sunday that i missed church, i guess it made me realised alot of things... how much i missed u guys man haha... well, i'll be back this sunday so i reallie cant wait... haha...

monday tuesday were monotonious and boring but had flooding emotions at night when i had times of reflections... was good and bad at times but nonetheless itz over so whatever la... wednesday went to Yishun Safra the whole day for some functin, SAF day parade 2008 retreat lolx... all i did there was listen to all the big shots toking crap and preparing for the July first event... and den i had breakfast with them, buffet lunch with them, high tea break with them, buffet dinner with them and i even got one day off!!! haha... jealous right? army so good? haha... like real la lolx...

aiya anyway thursday went to see alvin(anthony's brother) off to tekong, he's still as cute as last time la lolx... tekong is always a nice place to go when ur parents are going there also so haha had a good time and alot of memories too... and also alot of good laughing time with hong and wen and yh, who went in together, abt the wayangness of the army lolx... we saw mr kiew in his long four there... and also eddie, he seems to be very sad lehz, pray for his army life ba... =D... oh anyway he just out of training so haha, all the best for him lolx... then after that we went shopping with anthony and aunty jenny at white sands... he bought two new shirts lolx, cool... den went to arcade lolx, but nv play la... onli see carzy drummist hit 500 plus combos!!! haha... siaoz one then the next guy come, like he 6 uears old onli my guess, not bad worx haha... ya so went for dinner with hing and wen at marina subway and had a good chat la... thank you brothers... =D

so what's my plans for 2008? hmmm... i haven reallie decide yet la but oh i think i did write them down somewhere in one of the last post ba haha... hmmmz... i'll try to follow that but i'm adding another one, that i should let as little ppl worry abt mi as possible... so ya... hope i can do it horz... lolx... anyway tml going back camp then book out again lo ahha...

oh b4 i go... sat should be going shopping at bugis street anybody interested can drop mi a msg haha... ehx timing not confirmed yet but shld be in the evening time or morning time or maybe both times hehe... shopping for new yr clothes, *perfect excuse to spend money haha... opps... cant wait!!! haha... Jayson's back, Jayson's back Jayson's back!!! woohoo!!!

so what if the sunday's msg was for mi?

so what if the sunday's msg was for mi? i wasn't even there to begin with... so what if there are so many people wanting to help mi? i can onli say thankx for ur help but sorrie that i've let u guys down once again... what else do u want mi to do when nothing seems to be going right... i tried going the right way and yet what i get is more pain and guilt and suffering and more nonsense coming in from everywhere... i'm tired of all these i want these to stop... but everytime i try to stop all these it becomes more and more difficult to do so... so many more things pops up and i have to solve it... u all dun understand not because u dunno how to or dun cre for mi or what... but the point is u all have never been tru it b4... u dunno what's the feeling like after going tru so much... what else do u wan mi to say? i give up!!!

sorrie seems to be the hardest words...

sigh what else can i say??? i have got everything i want but i still dun seem to be able to get my life back on track... dun feel like doing the right things at all... after so many reasonings, so many discussions, so many motivations and encouragements, what have i done in the right step? a small little step at a time romember? ya but i cant even take a tiny ant step at all!!! it feels so fustrating and now i am even feeling kind of glad that i am doing duty on sunday... can it be i dun wanna face the people that i am afraid i have let done because of my actions? i dun wanna answer the questions that they will post to mi? i dun wanna put up a smiling face all the time and feel tired about it again when i get home? sigh i really dun understand... i dun feel like doing anything at all...

you... i wanna see u smile again but I AM SO TRAPPED IN THE MIDDLE!!! i hate myself for this you know? drew msg mi and told mi everything u told him... dun whack him kkz, he was having u in his mind when he told mi everything... i felt so guilty and so sad and i dunno what to say anymore... i hung up on him, can u believe it? yes i hung up on him!!! first time ever since the day i met him... all this because of u, i dunno how to answer his questions too... my frenz told mi that it will get sometime to get used to but this is much much tougher then i had imagined it to be... i thought the first time was bad, but now itz much worse... i feel like my heart torn into two, failing myself, failing everybody... i didn't want to go tru this trust mi... actually we didn;t even had to go tru this but y? i'm sorry for dragging u into all of this too... i will do anything to make u smile again, i'm so sorry... now that i know ur compromise that day was onli to please mi and make mi happi, i am not a little happy at all... it made mi more guilty then ever... looks like our problem iznt solved at all, the root is still there, the bond is still there... i still cant let go and u still cant either... i am not sure of so mani things, i am not certain of the future now... it seems so bleek and so misty and whatever... i dunno what u are thinking or doing even but drew gave mi an idea of how hurt u are... i'm sorry if i caused pain and guilt to u... i am too in pain but with nobody to physically be here for mi... nobody, nobody at all... at least u still have drew and them... so dun complain le okz... for mi? dun worry about mi... just let mi rot alone with all of the memories and cry myself dry... u go be happy with drew and company... i'll go alone to relieve the memories and inflict the pain of guilt to myself...

all i'm left with for u is sorry, but sorry seems to be the hardest words to say out of my mouth right now...

how to?

ytd and today was so boring man... that's why nv blog ytd cause reallie nothing to blog... haha not that today have something to blog about but instead had thoughts to get off my heart and mind...

i reallie wanna pick up but i dunno how to... haiz... reading the bible is so so so sacry... picked it and started on a few words and dun dare to continue reading it anymore... not like i dunno what's in it but the point is that everything seems to be so applicable and so useful and so jayson bashing that i dun dare to continue reading it... what shld i do? someone suggested reading 5 verses one day? a little too little u think? well, i also thought so in the first place but it seems lile a huge mountain for mi to climb suddenly... i really want to, maybe shld start having an accountability system and people to push mi... what about i force myself to read? no chance, i tried it last time... sigh... who to look for help???

anyway everyone's starting school le, including uni and JCs and whatever la... means there will be lesser time of meeting uo with ppl and lesser time for fellowship... how? will things get worse for mi? guess onli time will tell... itz reallie high time i started picking up le... but which way to go? will someone tell mi? a very good brother of mine shared his experience to mi, though of a different matter, that it will of course be hard to let go and will take time to get used to it... but if this is the getting use period of time, i rather have not let go... itz too hard to endure... i remember the bible said that God will not give u something more then u can ever handle... but this seems impossible!!! izt reallie possible??? i'm starting to have doubts, i reallie am... low in confidence and low in morale, miserable poor emotional boi... sadded...

you... do u know that i am the one that is wishing u would msg mi and call mi though u had promised mi not to? do u know how hard it is to let go? i guess u do too... sorry for putting u tru all these... itz very hard on myself too... i reallie am ian idiot... forgive mi ok... but i'll not make the same mistake 3 times le... once bitten twice shy? i dun think so... twice bitten, three times you DIE!!!

first january 2008

i thank God for bringing mi to the light at the end of the tunnel, there is just so many things to give thanx for... today was fun... woke up at 10 like tt, my latest since dunno when la haha... den went to watch movie with ailing wei en pei en wei hong... haha, national treasure and alvin and the chipmunks were on the cards but due to the objection of voting from someone, oh itz mi!!! haha... we went to watch national treasure... hehe... was good la except for the part where abigale ''lost'' her earing in the white house then the kissing scene tt happened after that abit wu li tou la haha... other then that, reallie reallie not bad...

after that Mak and jia xin came to join us for dinner, plazasing again then dunno go where so in the end go foodcourt lo, where else haha... after that where we go? yamaha lo where else? haha pei en ended up performing there also la ahah... but all and all itz a fantastic day... and i still haven got any pictures for the camp afterglow yet so cant post anything yet...

you... thanx for understanding and agreeing and respecting my decision. i know that it was a tough one for u too but nonetheless, i still hope tt u will be able to get on with life too just as i have decided to get on with mine... i really nv thought tt we would ever reach a compromise but in the end we did all thanx to u stepping back... sincere thanx... give each other sometime ba, i shall see u again... =)

2008, new yr new start, reflections

2007 has indeed been a weird yr for mi... first major thing tt happened? i went into army... currently one yr soilder le haha... very happy so passed out from tekong, went to be driver, got my military license, got transferred to be a clerk, got to super slack camp in sembawang and now, serving my term for 12 more months and tt's it le... well, till nw i can say tt the whole army experience has been giving mi the ups and the downs all along la... i got to learn howto drive, and also class 4 vehicles that is humongous... dun think everyone will experience that too... well, then became my PCPA in my old camp and had my first taste of office politics... not bad la but not goo dat all also haha... well, certainly hope tt i will learn to siam from things even more... then went to new camp to be clerk and then more politics and saw human nature at itz very worse... how can human beings do things so unimaginable for the sake of themselves out of their own selfishness, i guess itz sin ba... but all these has made mi realised more how we need God to alter our thinkings and make us whole... make us more to be the person He wants us to be...

sunday was our camp afterglow!!! oh it was fantastic... i really thank God for it all and all... it turned out much much better then we had expected... as per normal, we didn;t have alot of time to prepare la so in the end we also everything garangabo one lo haha... everything rush out at super last min la haha, so typical of this yr camp com... oh well... then worse i had 24 hours duty on the sat b4 tt so i was literally doing nothing, sincere apologies here... but in the end everything turned out fine... got some ppl to thank here...

WH-for getting last min arrowed at again and still agreeing to take up the job of leading the game for the afterglow...

ZL-for doing up all the video stuff, i know u spent some whole nights doing it too, and the com actualy hung quite a few times... but still, good job...

Group leaders-for sharing their experiences and camp thoughts tt were funny, meaningful and heartwarming...

JY-once again the log head was the invisible man throughtout the whole thing, well done... and for his willingness to participate in the skit, for ur information the whole thing was planned for those that dunno.. haha...

actors in the skit(esp cch)-thx for the willingness to act in such a short notice and making a fool out of urselves for the entertainment of the crowd...

YR-for gathering up all the small small pieces here and there...

and many many other ppl, i hope i didn;t miss out any la horz.. lolx... but well, i guess we did have a good time, having pizzas, eclairs, cream puffs and super lot of snacks(thx dad...)... ya so i guess the street bandy part was the most enjoyed one by those hu played it? right mak and johnson. i am so glad i got to exercise and sweat again lo haha... and the chess craze is slowly reviving itself, jia you vinc...

anyway after tt we decided to go out for dinner, den due to some technical difficulties, we ended up splitting road and so i went to amk hub for the famous fish soup with ailing lk jj pf yh... had some interesting conversation on the government on the way la then in the end ended up toking crap as usual... but then had our fill and enjoyed ourselves... then was supposed to retake a picture with ulfred de then in the end he ended up going out with wei en that group so nv take haha... from camp till now lehz lolx... so i guess itz nxt time ba lolx...

monday went back to camp for the first half of the day and was greeted b a huge amount of workload, document clerks, always busy at the wrong time... in the end, ppl all left at 1145 and we, the docu clerks, left the office at 1240 after everyone had left haiz... so unfair... but anyway i rushed and didnt care la cause gg out ma...

went to cityhall and found weien, jx and jy in the shop i had expected then to be in... jy in the end bought a 19900 cents guitar and the quality was copmparable to the nicer ones... cudus to weien for bringing him to the shop...

went to hy and hw house after tt la after dinner and in the end, we could stay over till nxt yr and everyone was so happy... played alot of weird weird games and sang alot of songs and tok alot la...

i wanna say sorrie to wh and we cause i broke my deal and i called that someone... but well, i wanna say tt i didn't regret calling cause the talk was fulfilling and i think i sort out things more clearer when toking over the phone then msg or tru my blog... clearer picture and better understanding...

i kept my promise to u did i? i spent the last moments of 2007 seven with u, not physically but at least my heart was there... i could hear u sniffing away on the other end of the line but can u hear mine? now tt we are both clear of our future directions i guess itz time we parted ba, be it for better or for worse i believe this way, we will both grow stronger ba... may we cross paths in the future again, i certainly hope so... i ty for being understanding too... saw ur tag, really appreciate it... hope tt u will keep to ur promise ok? jia you too... i will de... =)

well, today is the start of a new yr le, i think i shall state down my resolutions and may all who read this be my withness to it...

1. jayson shall sleep as early as possible whenever possible...
2. jayson shall have a closer walk with God...
3. jayson shall prepare himself for all task that dawns ahead before they come...
4. jayson shall be a role model to whoever may want to view mi as a role model...
5. jayson shall let go of the past and lookforward to the new life...
6. jayson shall meet up with people more regularly to know them better...
7. jayson shall be more involved in ministry work...
8. jayson shall be part of God's plan in His work no matter what it is...
9. jayson shall try to keep his emotions in check and not affact other people by it...
10. jayson shall have better financial management...

go jia you, resting is for walking a greater distance of road...
i shall go rest now... =)